"This post is coming to you from a less sunny place. Not that's complete BS, it is pretty ******* dark where I am but I am trying to drive the clouds away and look for the sun.
This morning I woke up feeling defeated. And though that might seem dramatic, for a lack of a better word defeated is what I am going to use. "
I wrote that on friday and had to stop myself from continuing. Even though I wanted to write so badly I knew that getting it all out wouldn't be the answer I was looking for. So instead I held off and tried to get my mind and heart in a better place.
You might wonder what the hell happened that made me feel this way? I am ashamed to say nothing major or traumatic. I guess it had been building up for a few weeks and Niels coming home with yet another change to our America schedule made the bucket overflow.
One of Niels his close colleagues is / got sick and him being absent pushes back our schedule for at least one month. One month is easy to overcome but I'm guessing I was triggered by the fact that there is still so much uncertainty when it comes to our move. The fact that we finally have a house has been such a relief but also a wake up call as in all the things that we still have to get in order.
Anyway after talking about it I started crying and sorta hadn't stopped crying before we went to bed on Thursday night. All the while fully understanding that this wasn't the end of the world and that it was (and still is) very important for Niels and the company to make sure things are running smoothly in the NL before Niels can focus on anything else in the USA. I understand this all puts Niels in a difficult position and that me having a breakdown over it all doesn't make it any easier. Still that didn't stop the tears from coming.
So I did what I have found to be the only solution for me. I focused on the things I could control. Cleaned out our refrigerator, went on walks and gave myself a swift kick in the butt. I am no longer ok with myself letting those feelings linger. There is nothing wrong with feeling a certain way and acting on those feelings but I know from experience that letting those feelings take over is not healthy.
I guess what struck me most is the fact that I can't wait to get on that plane and start our new life on the other side of the pond. Not because I have nothing to leave behind, on the contrary. However I must admit that my/our circle here in the Netherlands is limited and yes some might say that I could or could have put more effort into enlarging that circle. But the point is that, and this might be the first time saying it out loud, I have always felt like an outsider here in the Netherlands. No matter what I do or where I go and without it being anybody's fault. In the USA I have felt at home from the moment I got out of that plane and this goes the same for Niels.
We have a few people that are in our inner circle that are simply amazing and can absolutely never be replaced. But like I said in one of my previous post those people are special and scarce.
People that view life and friendship the same way we do. It hurts me thinking about who I am leaving behind but I am so excited about the chance to make new friends. To start over and really search for the people that we can share life and everything there is to it with.
Which brings me to how the situation is right now. Niels and I talked A LOT over the weekend about how and what we are going to do. We hope to get a clearer image of our new timeline in the upcoming week and will "remake" our plans from there.
So sorry to bring you a less positive post but hope you can take something away from it.
I will write again soon.
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