Hello hello,
I am back with another blogpost and this one is going to be all over the place. I have been wanting to write sooner but so much has happened and I just didn't find the time. I want to update you guys on what has been going on and am going to try to keep it short and sweet....... emphasis on the "try".
As you might know we are getting ready to move to the United States. We finally seem to be making progress and taking steps that actually lead somewhere (it feels like everything up until now has been baby steps). With that comes an added pressure and the realisation of what we are going to leave behind. A strange mix of excitement but also melancholy.
We are still striving for a deadline in September, meaning we have a little under 3 months to get our butts in gear, pack up our stuff and leave our life as it is here in the Netherlands. 3 months o wow even writing it makes me anxious. There is so much to be done and I am desperately clinging to every bit of certainty and information that we have gotten so far. Our visas have not yet been approved just to name one of those uncertain factors and there is a whole list to follow.
In the midst of all this the contact with my mom has been going surprisingly well. We met up for coffee (just the two of us) and have had breakfast together with Kevin and I must admit that this has been a load off my shoulders. I am glad we seem to have found a way to see each other without the heaviness of our past / what happened weighing in too much. There ya go, good news also needs to be shared and this definitely is.
Now to continue my story about our move. On Saturday a friend of ours in the US went to an open house for us. The house seems to be perfect and would be an awesome starting point for our "american dream". It has 2 bedrooms, a new kitchen and bathroom, everything is fresh/new. The house is tiny but let's face it, it's not like we can go ballroom dancing in our current living room and the three of us don't need that much space to make it work. After discussing it we filled in an application and send it in thinking we would't make a chance since the number of other applicants. However it is starting to seem like we actually have a chance.... Niels already had a trip to the USA planned and is on his way to Coldwater right now. He gets the chance to tour the home tomorrow and on Wednesday we will hear the home owners final decision.
We are so over the moon excited but still very aware of the fact that it could very well not be happening. Another strange mix of emotions.
With all of this going on I feel like I have this constant buzzing in my head. This noise that only gets cancelled out when I'm working out or doing chores. Simple things like folding the laundry seem to be a getaway. I am almost constantly going over everything that still needs to be done, everything we need to arrange before leaving. Making actual physical lists, excel sheets and attacking them fiercely trying to cross things off as I go.
Niels left for the USA this morning. On the run-up to long trips there is this blue feeling that tries to take over. Knowing I will be "alone" for 2 weeks, not having my best friend around to talk to, going to bed alone. It is all part of Niels his job and I am ok with that, we both are and the fact that we both feel sad when he's leaving is a confirmation of how much we both care.
With all we have going on right now this feeling hit me extra hard the past few days. Yesterday I was afraid of it taking over/taking in too much space and I did what I've found to be one of the best coping mechanisms. I knew I needed to move my body to get out from under this. So while Niels packed his suitcase with Kevin "helping out", I went for a run in the rain. I hated those first few miles but could feel everything drift away as my feet hit the pavement. Running through the puddles, nobody else on the road, just me and the dogs. As I ran harder and harder the noise started to fade and I returned home feeling myself again.
Why I'm explicitly writing out my run to you? I really don't know... I guess I am trying to show/say that I don't have it all together but I do know how to help myself and get through things. Very well realising that a few years ago I wouldn't have handled myself and this uncertain situation that well.
Oh wow this has been a long one and I promise I am going to close it off now.
Hopefully I can tell you more the next time I write, maybe even add in some pictures of Niels in our new home....... too much? Might have just jinxed it by putting all my hopes out on the internet but some would call that manifestation :)
Until next time!
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