Hi guys,
I'm back with a short update. Didn't mean to go silent on you over the course of the last week but I did hold of on writing. There are two reasons for that.
1. Being the fact that the amount of reads on this blog has increased a lot since the conversation with my mom. Which is great but there is also a flip side to it. Somebody told my mom about the blog and didn't feel the need to share that I write about more than just my problems with her. Which of course hurt her and even made her decide not to read it herself, I personally find this a shame but "oh well".
So if this is you, if you are this person.... you are and will remain welcome here. This is a friendly space where I am trying to help other people and help/heal myself in the process. I write about real life and as it so happens my relationship with her and the struggles around it is my biggest trigger, hence I write about the way it makes me feel and how I am trying to navigate those feelings.
Like I've said before, in the hopes of giving other people the tools to navigate troubles / feelings of their own.
And writting this I am sure my mom would like for me to put out some sort of disclaimer about the fact that this is all my version of the story jadajadajada. So here it is once and for all. What I write about are my feelings, it's my life and I am confident enough to say that I write this blog with total honesty! I can only write from my perspective and based on my perception of events. And just know that before I am putting a blogpost out, I am thinking about what and how it goes out into the world and I stand by it a 100%!
With that being said.
Reason 2 for not writing sooner is that my mom and I had another conversation today. On neutral grounds and just the two of us. Prior to this conversation she wrote me a letter about her feelings, sharing her perspective and explaining how I hurt her (now and in the past). I felt like this was a good thing and the fact that she initiated the conversation was very promising to me. I wanted to see what this conversation would bring before posting again.
The conversation went quite ok but it was very clear that we both joined the table with a different goal in mind. My mom stated that there would only be losers coming out of this conversation. In other words "no good can come of this".
I was hoping this conversation would, once again, be just what we needed to start things back up again. A new start where we would be able to talk about what and how we hurt eachother and come up with solutions on how to prevent such things happening in the future. We were able to talk in a civil manner and share some stuff from both sides,but it was very clear that what has been broken perhaps isn't fixable anymore. My mom said she feels like she shouldn't put all her energy into something that isn't fixable.
A statement that very clearly comes from someone who is hurt. I don't feel like she should have to do all the work and I am not expecting her to. However I was hoping she would try to look at things from my perspective. We have both been hurt.
Like I wrote in my last post, it is going to take some time to accept that this is what it is. The person I am expecting and above all miss might not be there anymore. This is what needs to sink in for me personally.
We were able to close off the conversation in a good way (might have been a bit abrupt but "oh well") and I am sure that once the dust settles we will find our way.
That is it for now.
I will write again soon and if you're wondering..... I am not planning on holding anything back or changing my posts / way of posting.
Until next time!
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