Brighter days

Hello hello,

I am back and feeling so relieved writing this post. We have had the long awaited conversation with my mom and well.... it went as to be expected.

I knew I was going to hurt her by having this conversation but felt the importance of the subject exceeded this.
I was able to respectfully tell her what has been on my mind and clearly state the boundary (the fact that she will not be babysitting Kevin and he will not be coming over for sleepovers). 

Going into this conversation I was hoping for this all to possibly be a new beginning. A chance to talk things out (because there has been hurt on both sides of this) and bring things back into balance. Sadly enough there was no such thing, or at least it felt that way for me. Things have been said but there seemed to be no openness to investigate those feelings and or decisions further. What struck me the most is how things got so out of hand.

After all that has happened (and again I know that there are lots of feelings on both sides) I simply cannot imagine making such statements to Kevin later on in life. Anyhow she made it very clear that she is happy and content with the person she has become in a reaction to me telling her that I miss the loving mother she used to be. Which to me made it clear that this is not my fight to take on....... I would love to have the kind of relationship that once was there. Because let's face it every (little) girl wants to be close to her mom.

But maybe I should face the fact that the person I'm waiting for isn't there anymore. My vision of how it "should" be is what is hurting most right now and I am going to try and let that go. Managing my expectations and looking at what/who is there now.

The long wait and the conversation itself took a toll on me both physically and mentally. Even though there hadn't been a real fight or argument my body still felt like it came out of a battle and I needed a few days to recover. Crying ugly tears, going on walks and sleeping it all off. Now that I have had some to to rest and recharge I'm feeling better than I have done in months. 

It feels like this huge weight has been lifted. I am looking forward to what else may come. Knowing that this is a process and closure will come in waves.

Time to close off this blog and go out and enjoy the sunshine. 

Until next time!