If you're new here and it seems like I have only been complaining.... Please know that that is not the kind of person I am and certainly not the vibe I want to bring to this blog. However I feel like my life, just like everybody else's has ups and downs and let's face it the downs are just easier material to write about. Whathaveigottoshare has become sort of my personal diary, a keepsake of lessons learned if you will and I always try to write with a positive outcome or solution in mind. I hope that the few people reading this can take away from my blogposts and tackle their own issues and challenges, maybe I can shine a different light on things....
Now that we have got that out of the way let's get this blogpost started. A cup of tea next to my laptop and The All-American Rejects blowing up my speaker.
"When darkness turns to light. It ends tonight" Is the line that keeps ringing in my head. The past weeks have been shitty for many reasons.
Niels being in a dark place mentally and therefore shutting me out has been (for me personally) one of the most challenging periods in our relationship. Niels fell back into his habit of doing it all on his own and I must admit I felt left out in more ways than one. If there is one thing I've learned from my parents mistakes it is not to expect my partner to "just understand" my feelings.
After feeling shitty for days I found the time to talk things over with Niels and explain my feelings and all the worries that came with them. That conversation seems to have been the turning point and even though Niels still has to work long hours and that won't change in the upcoming weeks..... We are both on the same page now. Just goes to show how communicating your feelings can have a positive outcome.
With that in mind I am planning on having a conversation with my mom. Things have been fairly stable with her lately but there is this nagging topic. Something I have been tiptoeing around trying not to hurt her feelings. Being the subject of babysitting Kevin.
In one of my first blogpost I wrote about how I was hurt that she didn't want to be a "grandma that babysits" because she was so keen on having her "freedom". Now that our move to the States comes closer she feels this pressure, this need to spend more time with her grandson which I do not want to take away from her. The past few weeks have been full of statements about babysitting, letting him come over for sleepovers and so on.....
But after all that has happened I have to say that this is not what I want for my child. The few times that we did let her babysit left a bitter taste in my mouth. Things just didn't go smoothly. We tried multiple times and I (Niels and I agree on this) just don't feel like she sees Kevin and is able to "fill his cup". I have no doubts that he will be safe and taken care of in a general sense, it's just this nagging feeling. This sense I (we) get when she is here and interacting with Kevin.
Not sure about how I am going to bring this up without causing a lot of drama but I am at the point that I am just done. I am done trying to protect somebody else's feelings when they are not so careful protecting mine. I am done having to explain my choices in who babysits my child and whether or not I take him places with me.
From the same song comes "All these thoughts locked inside". This subject and my feelings around it won't change or become lighter by keeping it inside. I hope talking about it will bring some light and even healing on my part. If it won't..... then at least I can say I tried.
Well I guess that's enough heavy stuff for one blogpost. I promise to write another one in the upcoming week. It has been too long and I have so much more I want to write about.
Like I said in the introduction above, I hope to put some things in perspective or offer solutions by writing this all. Hopefully you can take something away from this one.
Until next time!
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