The dog points it's ears, she looks at me. Alert, ready to go! My heart is beating in my chest. As my feet hit the road I can feel myself letting go. I can feel myself running out all the tension, the anxious energy, I am tired but also feel like I could keep running forever.This is just what I needed! A few months ago I might have been too proud to admit it.
But things changed, Kevin changed and above all my perspective changed. Tonight I called in a favor. Asked somebody to come babysit for half an hour, giving me the chance to go running.
This is not something I am used to, I was made/taught to believe I could and SHOULD be able to do it all by myself. But Niels being away for so long made me realise that is just *BS*. People around me keep telling me they are there for me, at my back and call when Niels is on a trip. But when push comes to shove not everybody makes good on that promise. Saying something is easy, actually being there turns out not to be so easy.
This made me realise that the people who do so are worth trusting and I should be able to let my guard down. Let down the wall I've build. The exterior that says "I can do it all, stay away I don't need you!".
This past week I broke in front of somebody, the wall was gone and there was this girl, not even a woman, vulnerable and desperately in need of a break because it felt like she couldn't get her ducks in a row. Kevin having another bad infection, calling the doc, caring for the animals and trying to get work done in between. Instead of being angry at myself for breaking, I decided in that moment I was not going to make the same mistake over and over again. Tonight was a first for me, keeping myself to the promise I made in that moment and I am so glad I did!
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