I don't mind being lonely

Hi there, it’s been a while. In the past few weeks I have been meaning to share and post but…. I guess life happened and took over. Now that I am finally sitting down it’s hard to focus on a specific topic. That’s your fair warning right there!!! This might be one of those all over the place blogs! We’ll see where it goes…

I am currently home alone. Niels is on a business trip, the first trip since Kevin has been born and to say it has been an emotional rollercoaster would be an understatement.

Before Kevin was born (and Covid hit) Niels and I had a rather unique schedule. Niels would travel a lot for work, which meant that I would be alone for 1.5 to 2 weeks a month. Yes that’s a lot but it work(s)ed for us.

Those 2 weeks of the month were mine and I would spend my evenings with friends or just by myself. Hours and hours I sat on the stable floor, reading a book or just enjoying the company.

Don’t get me wrong, most of these nights ended up with me crying in my pillow because I felt alone and missed Niels. At least the first few years were like that. As time went by I got used to this side of Niels his job and found my way.

I started to enjoy the fact that the dogs would sleep on the bed with me, eating on the couch watching Netflix and not having to consider somebody else’s needs.

I still cried, I still missed Niels, but the fact that I was alone was also something I really enjoyed and still do to this day.

Niels and I both tend to “koala” around each other, I know that’s not a real thing but just imagine a koala bear and you’ll be able to fill in the blanks. We are one of those couples that coordinates everything together, not because either of us needs permission from the other. But simply because we value our time together very much. We both have and do our own thing(s), but everything is better together. Yeah big cliche and I can already hear people saying “ha wait until your together for ** years, that’ll change”. I don’t care, this is how we do it and we both wouldn’t want it any other way.

Anyway I had gotten into the habit of “using” the extra free time in a more mindfull way. I was way more productive and got things done that had been postponed for weeks.

I thought Kevin being here would make things easier and in a way it did. However my “ways” have not changed. Kevin takes up most of my days and I keep extra busy during the evenings so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on time that was otherwise spent together.

What I am trying to say is this, I don’t mind being lonely. I love how it makes me more productive, how it challenges me to prove that I can do it all on my own.

In my mind being lonely and feeling lonely are two separate things.

The being lonely part of Niels his business trips brings out the best in me. It makes me find that extra gear.

However the feeling lonely part is what makes these trips so hard. The feeling of loneliness comes in waves and sometimes these waves almost take me out. I always find a way to swim back to shore (sorry it was too tempting to keep going on the metaphor :). But the tricky thing is that these waves sometimes come so unexpected.

There is an easy fix for being lonely. Lots of amazing people willing to help me, be there for me and carry any excess load. But that is not the point. I know I don’t have to be alone or lonely, but like I said earlier. I sometimes prefer it that way.

For me there is no straight fix for feeling lonely, no matter what I do or where I go. No matter who is with me when that feeling takes over. And you know what, even that is OK.

Only 4 days left before he is home again, only 4 nights left before I can “koala” again. I am looking forward to having him back.

For now, I don’t mind being lonely and I will try as best as I can to ride the waves.