Snow walks and turning things around

Oh boy, this is going to be a long post. But I’m gonna have to narrate if I want to tell this story right and get the point across. I assure you there is some meaning to this post, you will just have to get trough :)

Last Sunday the Netherlands woke up to snow, and not just the little powder we are used to. No, I mean snow up to 15cm, that’s a big deal for us! Anyway Kevin was supposed to go play at grandpa for the day and we were planning on doing some work around the stable and perhaps sledding behind the loader (this was what I was looking forward to in particular). I had Kevin all ready to go and we drove off towards my dad. Before we were on the highway Niels turned to me and said it was too dangerous, especially because we would have to pick up Kevin later in the evening when it was dark. I agreed and turned around to head back home. Understanding why we changed our plans but extremely pissed off and to be honest very sad. Now this might seem weird and irrational, and reading it back I can totally understand how this looks.

But in my defense I do have a reason for feeling this way. Firstly let me say this is not an excuse to feel sorry for myself or anything like that…… I just know that there is something underlying these feelings.

The fact that we had to turn around and didn’t get to spend the day together (just Niels and me) was what bothered me the most. We do not have a typical family environment or safety net if you will. Niels his father is still alive but not able to babysit or take care of Kevin, and Niels his mother sadly passed away long before I was in the picture.

On my side both parents are still alive and able to take care of Kevin and take the pressure off. But this doesn’t mean it’s that easy.

My parents divorced a few years ago and since then a lot has changed. Let’s say my mother purchased a “midlife crisis starter kit” and has excelled to the advanced level by now. I am not writing this to be spiteful, there is just no nice way to tell this story correctly. From that moment on she and I have had on and off moments. The on moments mean she is too busy with friends and does not have time for me and or her grandchild. And the off moments are like little rays of light where I get my loving, caring, mother back and she is there for me. There is a lot of grey in these on and off areas. For example: my mom takes care of other peoples kids, that’s her job and she is very good at it. But she just casually mentioned that she, even on her days off, does not want to be a grandma that babysits. That she just would not be the right person for that because, here comes the midlife crisis motto, “she wants her freedom”. In all fairness she does offer to babysit when she has a week off or something like that. But only according to her schedule and on her conditions. Again not to be spiteful, I am happy to say we are in a better place than we have been for a few years. I have kinda come to terms with how she has changed, but still it isn’t easy.

My dad has his own business / shop and is open 6 days a week. He on the other hand wants to help out as much as he can. I bet he would close the shop if I called him and told him that I needed him directly. But still it would not be fair to call him like that, not for just needing a break and wanting to spend time with my horse. If it was up to him Kevin would spend every weekend with him, and we try to get him there at least one day every two weeks. But our weekends are also about having time together as a family, Kevin can be a handful but spending that time together (the three of us) is so important!

My point is, we are not in the position to call anyone and say “hey we just want to go ……. could you please come and get Kevin?” That’s ok. We knew that before starting our pregnancy journey and we will manage just fine.

Back to my story. Sunday had a ripple effect and Monday morning I knew I had a choice. Keep wallowing in disappointment and quite frankly self pity OR getting my shit together. I chose the last one and am a bit disappointed it took me so long.

I took advantage of every moment in the snow I could get, went on long snowy walks with Kevin in the stroller and let Niels know how much I appreciated our time together.

What I did last Monday is simply getting back to the basics. I get back into my routine, make the bed, get my a** outside and breathe in some fresh air. Just simple things that give me a sense of accomplishment and make me want to push for more. I’ve learned this can make such a difference, and the moments I feel at my worst are often the days where I am slacking off. Not that that’s a crime, just my own experience.

And today, today Kevin is not here and I made damn sure to do all those things I had been wanting to do. What I am saying is that things don’t have to be so giant and overwhelming. Feeling like you are the only one in a shitty situation is part of being human. The important thing is to acknowledge that this is not the case and figure out a way to get yourself out of it!

Ready for more light-bulb moments and quite frankly…. moments in the snow. I am going to make the best of it and try to enjoy it all.