The music starts up, and as the music gets louder my thoughts get louder too. I am in a room full of people. Everybody minds their own business, but still I feel like everybody sees me through my eyes. "I am not supposed to be here, everybody is so fit and then there I am with my mom pouch, fat legs and face full of acne. Wonder what they might think seeing me workout, I really shouldn't be here. I should have just stayed home and worked out in the basement."
The Fray "over my head (Cable car)" starts and at this point my thoughts are running wild and I am ready to find an excuse and leave. This is the moment I stop the so called thought train and lean back on all the tools I've learned over the last years. I tell myself "you wanted to work on yourself? Now stop doing this and work out" . I focus on the music and moving my body and in doing so I break through so many barriers both mentally as physically. That was the moment everything changed and things started to feel lighter.
This happened about 3 weeks ago. Since my last blogpost I got my period and somehow this hormonal imbalance triggered really bad body image issues. I felt disgusted with my body. It didn't provide a safe home for the baby we had hoped for for so long and now it was even letting me down in terms of how I looked. I went from feeling strong and confident in my body to somebody who still worked out daily but did so in the basement because I felt I should hide this incapable piece of ****. I hate(d) my legs, my face, my tummy about everything that was(is) my appearance. And that part I did not expect especially since all other aspects of my life have been so good that they made (make) this whole healing process easier.
Everybody talks about how a miscarriage has a ripple effect, how the grief comes in waves and so on.But nobody tells you about how messed up your hormones will make you feel. How there is this dis-balance hormonally that makes you feel like a stranger in your own body.
So many people have come up to me and asked "are you trying again?" or have even said "ah you know what, keep trying you'll get there". In those instances I would either get pissed about the audacity to ask that question or just nod along and say that I am confident I'll get pregnant again when the timing is right.
But here is the kicker, I have not felt the need to RUSH a new pregnancy, I feel the need to recover from the loss of this one first. Get back to myself both mentally and physically before I add another human being to our family. Niels and I have had many conversations about my body image and all the hormonal stuff going on. Luckily we both feel the same way about this, we are not in a rush.
And some people might ask why, well because I don't think it will be fair to any child to be born in the arms of a parent who is not willing to work on itself.
I have been working really hard to do what I can to balance my hormones and heal all that needs to heal. Good days and bad days which is a strange concept to me because everything else in life has been running so smoothly. We are in such a great place and I mean that in all the ways possible. I could have never imagined our American Dream turning out this good and we feel blessed each day. This little hiccup just proves there will never be any smooth sailing. Issues will present themself and it's up to us how we face those issues.
My breakthrough, if you will, was during a workout 3 weeks ago and ever since then I am facing those demons when they show up and tackle those issues head on.
Well that was a very lengthy explanation as to what kept me busy over the last month of not writing on here. Hope you enjoyed this blog post anyway and can take something away from it.
Until next time.
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