Give it time

Hello there,

This is an early morning blog (which roughly translates to: Kevin can wake up any second and I will probably have to finish this blog in parts over the next few days). But it's fine, I am behind my laptop and finally writing some things down.

I don't have a clear vision as to what I am going to write about today since there is so much I want to get out to gain some perspective and clarity. I am just going to start and see where this one takes me, so please bear with me.

I wanna start by making one thing clear, because I know I am going to say some things that contradict this, I absolutely love it here! The house, my big open kitchen, the fact that Niels his work is close by, the town! All of it is just amazing and if it were only me and Niels I am sure we would have been 100% settled in already.

But that's the kicker, Kevin is also in this mix and he has not been doing so well. We had expected some rough transitions coming from the Netherlands and all but what we have seen the past week has been waaaay beyond that. He has been sleeping terrible and this lack of rest impacts his day big time. He is just soo tired but also wired which means he won't give himself the chance to rest and charge up. Constantly running, yelling (which is new) and just not quite settling down. Don't get me wrong he has his moments and we try to set him up for success by taking the time to sit with him. Read books, build blocks, go on walks and just get him back into a "normal" routine. But it has been challenging and especially the fact that he is showing all these new behaviours. Hitting, biting, kicking. He just seems so angry! I totally get that this must be so hard for him, the transition, the fact that people don't understand what he's saying (I/we feel like he does understand most of it when people talk English to him). I can see the frustration in him when he says something in Dutch and people look at us for answers, but until he finds a way to figure out how to talk in English that is the normal outcome.

We try to provide him with the tools to transition to English *to the best of our knowledge* (tips are welcome if). We talk a lot of English within our home and with almost everything that is said in Dutch comes the English alternative. I don't see there is anything more we can do on that front. We are also taking him to storytime at the librabry, getting him involved in fun playdate type activities and are also looking for a daycare or something like that where he can freely be around other kids to be exposed to the language. But with this all I have in mind that the last thing I want to do is rush him. I cannot force this process to go any faster, however I do think it will be easier for him once he will be able to make himself clear.

Like I said I feel like we are doing the best we can on this front. But still the situation as it is right now is very painful. We do have good moments and it is not like our days are filled with constant tantrums and such. But they have been more frequent and heavier than we have seen before and the truth is I am there for most of them. Which to me feels like "he takes it out on me" and I know that is not the case, I know I am just the person that he is constantly around which makes me the safest option to do so. I know that, but what I am feeling is a whole other story. I can't put into words how much it hurts to have your child crying but also refusing you to comfort them.

Pfew even writing this the tears are coming. I will probably read this back in a few weeks and think "o but it wasn't that bad" but in this moment it sure feels that way.

In the meantime, I am very aware that this all feels so heavy because I am also still trying to find my way. Trying to meet new people and build up that support system that we so desperately wanted to. I can tell you my comfortzone has been a small dot on the horizon every time I go into town or to the park. I am so aware that if I want to make a change in this situation, meet new people and so on, that I have to be the one taking the initiative.

This will all take time and shoot we have only been here for 3,5 weeks. We are making a new home, building a new life and it is nothing more than normal to have some bumps along the way. The Kevin thing is just one of those bumps and once we get over that I am sure new ones will present themself. I / we will tackle them as they come.

Again I did not mean this blogpost to be a negative one, on the contrary. Just trying to figure out how to help my little boy while also trying to build a new life. It is challenging but I am so thankful I am in the position to do exactly that.

Until next time!