This is me?!

Hello again,

I know it took me a while to write again and I am sorry for that. Please know it wasn't for a lack of trying. I have been planning on writing this blog for about a week now. Somehow there was always something else to do OR I wasn't in the right state of mind to do so.

See I have had some ups and downs since we've been here and I know that is just part of the process. But definitely a part I was not prepared for. In being here with all the changes, Kevin sleeping horribly and having to start over from scratch I must admit I felt very lonely. The weekends were amazing and then when monday came around I would start feeling down, try with everything in me to fight those feelings and eventually ended up feeling like the biggest imposter. I didn't want to admit how lonely and isolating it felt and how this clashed with me simultaneously loving our new home and the fact that we are finally here. Truth is, Niels has his circle at work, he has his regular contacts, the conversations at the watercooler or whatever. For me to see other people, I would have to go places and take initiative. In other words get outside of my comfort zone and actively look for people who share my interests and / or are in the same stage of life. 

I would have never expected it to be this way but this all made me doubt myself in a big way. Who am I other that the new Dutch girl? Why would people be interested in me besides the fact that I moved from another country. Those highschool kinda fears came out and boy those skeletons were put far away for a good reason. So many fears about what they would think about me. What do I even have to offer? Writing this down those feelings all still feel very real BUT I managed to put some of those into perspective.

This is what I have wanted for so long. What I have waited for, longed for. This is my chance to start over, a clean slate. My chance to lay the foundation for future relationships and truly be the person I have become over the last year(s).

That last part in particular is very important to me. We have left some amazing people in the Netherlands and they are sure missed. But getting the chance to meet new people, without them knowing where you have been, is a very special thing. Not that any of that is a secret, but I guess it feels good to be who I am now without having to compete with who I was. Does that make sense?

I have changed a lot over the last years, inside and outside. Being more aware of how I impact myself, my family and setting boundaries I have never set before. Motivating myself to work out, constantly growing and searching for ways to do better and be better. 

Anyway, enough of me trying to explain my feelings about starting over. I am sure you get the point.

This morning I went on a walk with two other moms (I don't know if it is too early to call them friends.... for me it is starting to feel that way though). I initiated the walk and must admit that I was both nervous and excited driving to our meet up spot. We walked with the kids and our strollers along what has become one of my favourite spots in the area. The kids walked together, I could even tell they were starting to warm up to each other since they have been together a few times now, the dogs played. In that moment, I felt like all the pieces of the puzzle were finally starting to come together. This is what I wanted! People who are also up early, who know how hard the nights can be and understand that sometimes all you need is to get out and see a friendly face.

It's been rough and I don't want to put pressure on these new friendships. I don't want to go too fast and let these (and hopefully other) friendships develop naturally. But boy it seems like I am finally getting a feel for that village everybody always talks about and that makes me so excited.

I could go on and on but this is where I am leaving it for now.

Until next time!