Addiction brings friction

Hi friend, 

After a particularly spicy last post this one is going in a completely different direction. 

We have had a rough weekend, before telling you what happened a little introduction is due.

Niels his father is a recovering alcoholic (I hate that therm, there is no recovering from alcohol abuse...... at least not in his case). Niels has felt the effect of his father's drinking as a child and even now as an adult it hits hard. I have known about this for a long time, even before we started dating and it has been a road of ups and downs since then. Periods that he is clean and then the hard-hitting relapses. Now that Kevin is also in the picture and "exposed" there seems to be an added level of tension when it comes to this all.

Anyway, last weekend the Dutch holiday "Sinterklaas" was celebrated and we were going over to my father in law for a cup of coffee and some presents for little Kevin. The minute we walked in Niels and I both knew. He was definitely drinking again. Not wanting to cause a scene with Kevin there, we just, drank our coffee and got out very soon after that. Defeat doesn't begin to explain how we felt when we got back. What should have been a great day was ruined by one person his decision to give in to addiction. Now I know there is a lot to be said about addiction, I know he probably didn't do it to cause Niels any harm and so on... But the bottom line is, Niels has been the victim in all this for too long.

Me seeing him hurt this way makes it very hard for me to keep my cool in this situation.  Side note is that in Niels his family these things aren't easily talked about and if so I am not part of these conversations. It takes everything I got not to go over there and say what I think and feel needs to be said.  I promised Niels that I would not "interfere" on that level because he will be the one paying for my directness.

I know I will probably cause more damage and that's the last thing I want. However it pisses me off that 1. somebody I love is getting hurt and I am not allowed to do anything about that. 2. Another person his behaviour causes us to feel a certain way.

So just like other times I kept (fairly) quiet and tried to help Niels where I could. Niels finally confronted his father who is now back on his meds and will hopefully be back on track for a while. I'd think the perspective of a more stable period ahead would make me feel better but coming out of this week I mainly feel defeat. Or strung out, still holding on to those things that weren't spoken about........ I don't know what I should name this feeling.

I promise not all blog posts will be this gloomy. On this blog I always try to provide a positive outlook or solution, but right now this is the place I am in and that's ok too! It's honest and written from the heart.

Maybe writing this all gives me some closure. We are going to make it a great weekend. I am sure the next blogpost will be worlds apart!

Until next time.....