HI there, this is going to be a long one because there is so much I want to get out on paper. I want to write about what has been going on and share a realistic picture. But honestly at this point I only know I want to write, where to begin .... I am not sure.
Let me share a note I made on my phone monday January 30th.
I just don't get it. I am surprised / taken away by how thin the line is between "we are so happy let's make plans for the future" and "oh my god my eyes are so swollen from all the crying. How did we get to this point?"
This might seem dramatic but Niels and I have had a tough couple of weeks. As a couple our situation with the VISA process has been challenging throughout but now that we get to the so called "homestretch" there is this added suspense that has taken it's toll. Niels has been working a lot, having lots of meetings, long days and such. I on my part have been presented with another challenge when it comes to Kevin (more about that later) and instead of turning to each other it felt like we were turning against each other.
I got to a place where I started resenting him for being tired and he on his part called me out on my shit which didn't go well. Our weekends would be pure magic (or at least we tried to really lean into those happy moments) and then when the workweek started we would be like ships passing.
I felt underappreciated and so did he for working so hard and coming home to me being the way I was, this was a very unhealthy cycle which we were able to work through in some good and heavy conversations.
It all boils down to it really being a mindset thing on my part. And even though we have talked about it and I am very aware of how my mindset influences me and my decisions/behaviour.
I still catch myself... the difference between "I have to stay home and take care of Kevin without breaks all week long while he is on a business trip" and "I get to stay home and take care of my family, show up for Kevin when and whenever he needs me and be a part of all these special moments I otherwise would have missed".
I think it's pretty obvious that the lather is the mindset I prefer and I got/get kind of pissed for myself for viewing things otherwise. I am very thankful to Niels for providing for his family and giving me the chance to be there for our son. This is the way we always said we wanted to raise our kid(s) and I understand that is a luxury thing. That doesn't mean Niels gets a free pass and my only "place" in the house is the kitchen and the laundry room, but to be fair Niels has never implicated any such thing. I along the way started to read that message in his reactions, that's my thing not his. For now we are having very open conversations about the way we feel things and how I sometimes receive things he says or does the wrong way. This works both ways, I am not the only one having trouble here but wouldn't find it fair to share Niels his side of this.
Our love for one another has never been in question, our expectations of the other were. Knowing how much we love each other might just have been the thing that hurt the most. The how can we love each other so much and still let this happen.
The point is we are just both ready to take the next step in our life together, whatever this step may be and whatever plans we might have. But as long as our VISA is not approved it feels like our life and our future is on hold and we are (dramatically put) on the edge of a cliff hoping the wind will not pick up and blow us off.
Bottom line is we will be flying back to the Netherlands in a few weeks. Niels cannot continue being in the US to give trainings and have meetings. If he really wants to start working our VISA needs to be approved and we will hopefully get an OK on this the beginning of March. Until then we have to accept that certain things are on hold and just keep our fingers crossed.
In all that I have noticed myself finding it harder than normal to look on the upside of things. Having nightmares and reliving them all day long. I guess it is just all the stress coming to the surface with the lack of sleep. I am actively working on this my own way, taking care of my body (and soul) the only way I feel is right. Getting outside, being productive, exercising and putting more effort and trust into the things that I CAN control in this moment.
One of those things being Kevin his babysitting situation. With my mental and physical load in mind we have been looking for a babysitter for Kevin. Killing 2 birds with one stone because he would also have more exposure to the English language by being around other kids for an extended period of time. He would go there 1 day a week. The babysitter came highly recommended but it just wasn't the right fit. It was just not an environment Kevin felt comfortable in, even though we factored in that there would be an acclimation period.
Some statements were made which I am not going to repeat because that would't be fair to the lady babysitting (who I think meant very well). But they made me think about who Kevin is and what I want to provide for my child during those first childhood years and throughout his whole life for that matter. Safety and having the chance to be himself an develop his own personality that is. I would be damned if I am not the one fighting for him to get exactly that.
So for now Kevin is back home with me and it has been a relief for both of us. He's been doing great, with all the ups and downs of a 2 year old, and even (this broke my heart) actively thanking me for letting him stay with me. Maybe something else will present itself down the road, timing and yet again mindset.
Even for me it has been hard to admit what has been going on. Friends texting "hey how are you doing" and me responding "well kind of ok just stressed" because I did not want to ambush them with all this drama. Nothing to do with my amazing friends, everything to do with me and the fact that I was taught I had to work through things myself without "bothering" others. Yes I am working on that too, one step at a time for now.
Turns out writing it here was easier and gave me some clarity.
We have such amazing things ahead of us (that is IF we get to stay here) and just thinking about those things gives me butterflies. We've come this far, I can get through these last few weeks of suspense.
So sorry if this blog seems to have a negative air to it. I always try to present a solution or way to work through things but also want to be open about the fact that that can be really challenging sometimes.
Hope I still got a point across.
I will write again soon!
Reactie plaatsen
Reacties